She had leukemia; shed known it since last summer.
The moment she told me, the blood drained from my fad a sheaf of dizzying images fluttered through my mind. It was as though in that brief moment, time had suddenly stopped and I uood everything that had happened between us. I uood why shed wanted me to do the play: I uood why, after wed performed that first night, Hegbert had whispered to her with tears in his eyes, calling her his angel; I uood why he looked so tired all the time and why he fretted that I kept ing by the house. Everything became absolutely clear.
Why she wanted Christmas at the orphao be so special . . .
Why she didnt think shed go to college . . .
Why shed given me her Bible . . .
It all made perfect sense, and at the same time, nothing seemed to make any se all.
Jamie Sullivan had leukemia . . .
Jamie, sweet Jamie, was dying . . .
My Jamie. . .
"No, no," I whispered to her, "there has to be some mistake. . . .」
But there wasnt, and wheold me again, my world went blank. My head started to spin, and I g thtly to keep from losing my balance. Oreet I saw a man and a woman, walking toward us, heads bent and their hands on their hats to keep them from blowing away. A dog trotted across the road and stopped to smell some bushes. A neighbor across the way was standing on a stepladder, taking down his Christmas lights. Normal ses from everyday life, things I would never have noticed before, suddenly making me feel angry. I closed my eyes, wanting the whole thing to go away.
"Im so sorry, Landon," she kept saying over and over. It was I who should have been saying it, however. I know that now, but my fusio me from saying anything.
Deep down, I k wouldnt go away. I held her again, not knowing what else to do, tears filling my eyes, trying and failing to be the rock I think she needed.
We cried together oreet for a long time, just a little way down the road from her house. We cried some more when Hegbert opehe door and saw our faces, knowing immediately that their secret was out. We cried wheold my mother later that afternoon, and my mother held us both to her bosom and sobbed so loudly that both the maid and the cook wao call the doctor because they thought something had happeo my father. On Sunday Hegbert made the annouo his gregation, his face a mask of anguish and fear, and he had to be helped back to his seat before hed even finished.
Everyone in the gregation stared in silent disbelief at the words theyd just heard, as if they were waiting for a punch lio some horrible joke that none of them could believe had been told. Then all at ohe wailing began.
We sat with Hegbert the day she told me, and Jamie patiently answered my questions. She didnt know how long she had left, she told me. No, there wasnt anything the doctors could do. It was a rare form of the disease, theyd said, ohat didnt respond to available treatment. Yes, when the school year had started, shed felt fi wasnt until the last few weeks that shed started to feel its effects.
"Thats how it progresses," she said. "You feel fine, and then, when your body t keep fighting, you dont.」
Stifling my tears, I couldnt help but think about the play.
"But all those rehearsals . . . those long days . . . maybe you shouldnt have-」
"Maybe," she said, reag for my hand and cutting me off. "Doing the play was the thing that kept me healthy for so long.」
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