And I didnt know. They feed me and clothe me and give me booze money and educate me and all that. When I talk they listen. I just thought that if I told them they had to help me, theyd help me. I never realized there was nothing I could say, and nothing they could say, and nothing they could do.
So that moment, when Mum asked me how they could help, it was sort of like the moment the guy jumped off the roof. I mean, it wasnt as horrible or as scary and no one died and we were indoors et cetera. But you know how you keep things tucked up in the back of your head in a sort of rainy day box? For example, you think, one day, if I t ha any more, then Ill top myself. One day, if Im really fug up badly, then Ill just give up and ask Mum and Dad to bail me out. Anyway, the mental rainy day box was empty now, and the joke was that there had never been anything in it all the time.
So, I did what I normally do in these situations. I told my mum to fuck off and I told my dad to fuck off and then I left, even though I was supposed to be talking to someone elses friends and family afterwards.
And then when I got up to the top of the stairs, I felt stupid, but it was too late to go back down again, so I just walked straight out the door and down Upper Street and into the Angel underground and I got on the first train that came. No one chased after me.
JJ The minute I saw Ed and Lizzie down in that basement, I felt this untrollable little flicker of hope. Like, this is it! Theyve e to rescue me! The rest of the band are setting up fig tonight, and then afterwards Lizzie and I are going back to this cute apartment that shes rented for the two of us! Thats what shes been doing all this time! Apartment hunting and decorating! And… Whos that old guy talking to Jess? Could he be a record-pany executive? Has Ed fixed us up with a new deal? No, he hasnt. The old guy is Jesss dad, and later I found out that Lizzie had a new boyfriend, someoh a house in Hampstead and his own graphic design pany.
I snapped out of it pretty quick. There was ement in their faces, or their voices, so I khat they didnt have any news for me, any grand annou about my future. I could see love there, and , and it made me feel a little teary, to tell you the truth; I hugged them for a long time so that they couldnt see me being a wuss. But theyd e to a Starbucks basement because theyd been told to e to a Starbucks basement, aher of them had any idea why.
Whats up, man? said Ed. I heard you werent doing so good.
Yeah, well, I said. Something will turn up. I wao say something about that Micawber dude in Dis, but I didnt wao get on my case even before wed talked.
Nothings gonna turn up here, he said. You gotta e home.
I didnt want to have to go into the whole y-day thing, so I ged the subject.
Look at you, I said. He was wearing like a suede jacket, which looked like it had cost a lot of money, and a pair of white corduroys, and though his hair was still long, it looked kind of healthy and glossy. He looked like one of those assholes that date the girls in Sex and the City.
I never really wao look like I used to look. I looked like that because I was broke. And we ayed anywhere with a det shower.
Lizzie smiled politely. It was hard, with the two of them there - like your first and your sed wives ing to see you in the hospital.
I never pegged you for a quitter, Ed said.
Hey, be careful what you say.