MARTIN
I explain why I wao jump off the top of a tower-block? Of course I explain why I wao jump off the top of a tower-block. Im not a bloody idiot. I explain it because it wasnt inexplicable: it was a logical decision, the product of proper thought. It wasnt even a very serious thought, either. I dont mean it was whimsical - I just meant that it wasnt terribly plicated, onized. Put it this way: say you were, I dont know, an assistant bank manager, in Guildford. And youd been thinking of emigrating, and then you were offered the job of managing a bank in Sydney. Well, even though its a pretty straightforward decision, youd still have to think for a bit, wouldnt you? Youd at least have to work out whether you could bear to move, whether you could leave your friends and colleagues behind, whether you could uproot your wife and kids. You might sit down with a bit of paper and draw up a list of pros and s. You know: S - aged parents, friends, golf club.
PROS - more money, better quality of life (house with pool, barbecue, etc.), sea, sunshine, -wing cils banning Baa-Baa Black Sheep, no EEC directives banning British sausages, etc.
Its no test, is it? The golf club! Give me a break. Obviously yed parents give you pause for thought, but thats all it is - a pause, and a brief ooo. Youd be on the phoo the travel agents within ten minutes.
Well, that was me. There simply werent enough regrets, and lots and lots of reasons to jump. The only things in my s list were the kids, but I couldnt imagine dy letting me see them again anyway. I havent got any aged parents, and I dont play golf. Suicide was my Sydney. And I say that with no offeo the good people of Sydney intended.
MAUREEN
I told him I was going to a New Years Eve party. I told him in October.
I dont know whether people send out invitations to New Years Eve parties in October or not. Probably not. (How would I know? I haveo one since . June and Brian across the road had one, just before they moved.
And even then I only nipped in for an hour or so, after hed goo sleep.) But I couldnt wait any longer. Id been thinking about it since May or June, and I was itg to tell him. Stupid, really. He doesnt uand, Im sure he doesnt. They tell me to keep talking to him, but you see that nothing goes in. And what a thing to be itg about anyway! It just goes to show what I had to look forward to, doesnt it?
The moment I told him, I wao ght to fession. Well, Id lied, hadnt I? Id lied to my own son. Oh, it was only a tiny, silly lie: Id told him months in advahat I was going to a party, a party Id made up.
Id made it up properly, too. I told him whose party it was, and why Id been invited, and why I wao go, and who else would be there. (It was Bridgids party, Bridgid from the church. And Id been invited because her sister was ing over from Cork, and her sister had asked after me in a couple of letters. And I wao go because Bridgids sister had taken her mother-in-law to Lourdes, and I wao find out all about it, with a view to taking Matty one day.) But fession wasnt possible, because I knew I would have to repeat the sin, the lie, over and over as the year came to an end. Not only to Matty, but to the people at the nursing home, and… Well, there isnt anyone else, really. Maybe someo the church, or someone in a shop. Its almost ical, when you think about it. If you spend day and night looking after a sick child, theres very little room for s